, I want to return to a theme we’ve talked about on this show a couple of times in the past – and that is the disparity in self-confidence, or self-promotion, or whatever you want to call it – between men & women entrepreneurs.
I was thinking about this as I once again got ghosted by a female entrepreneur. For the record, I have only anecdotal information. But in the now 3 + years that I’ve been doing this show, I’ve never been ghosted in a conversation about appearing on the show or been ghosted in any way by ANY male entrepreneurs. Not once.
But I have been several times by women entrepreneurs. And I’ve had lots of conversations with potential women guests where it’s clear they are very reluctant to agree to be a guest on the show. We have an introductory chat, but we never manage to get the interview on the calendar. Either they don’t get back to me, or they schedule but cancel at the last minute. Or they say they’re just too busy. Too busy that you can’t talk to the media for a few minutes? Too busy for free publicity or the chance – for free – to showcase your business & your story??
So what’s going on here? Clearly, women either lack confidence, or somehow fear or are apprehensive about the spotlight.
A recent study by Women of Influence out of Canada suggests that at least part of the problem is the underlying fear of negative consequences.
The study documented that this really IS a thing. They even have given it a name: The Tall Poppy Syndrome. The term is Australian, and referred to anyone who stood out too much – the idea being that you need a nice, uniform field of poppies, and any poppy that gets too tall needs to be cut down. It’s since been used by women advocates to refer to women who get cut down.
In their Tall Poppy Syndrome study, more than 87 % of high-performing women felt that their successes had been undermined in the workplace. NOTE: this study ONLY looked at undermining in the workplace – it did NOT look at all the other places that women feel undermined for their success – by their spouse, their family members, their neighbors, people at their church, their friends, etc. And as someone who has personally experience this, I personally believe THIS undercutting is even more painful and memorable.
Taken all together, it’s like putting your fingers on a hot stove. You do it a few times, you feel intense shame and pain, and you stop trying to stand out. I have found myself on a number of occasions downplaying a success because I was trying not to be a Tall Poppy.
Interestingly – and again, this certainly jives with my own experiences – men and women were found in the study to be equally guilty of the undercutting.
The most common reasons high-performing women were cut down? (1) jealousy (2) sexual/gender stereotypes and (3) feelings of insecurity & inadequacy on the part of the person doing the cutting down. As you can see, most of the cutting down is more about the person DOING the cutting than about the high-achiever, but that doesn’t make the cutting down any less painful.
This is really a tough one to overcome. How do you fix someone else’s jealousy or feelings of inadequacy? I guess one thing that can be done is for managers to receive more awareness training of ways they unwittingly (or even wittingly) permit or tolerate, in the hopes of slowly changing our culture.
The gender/sexual stereotypes are slowly changing over time, but this, too, is difficult. As the recent national debate in the U.S. about abortion rages, it’s clear that there is still a very large segment of the population who believe women should have less rights, do not have the right to control their bodies,
People can go on & on about right to life, etc., but it’s pretty hard not to take that discussion towards its ultimate end — that somehow women are less – at least in the business world. The implication is that women are intended to bear & raise children – hopefully the next generation of women to do more child-raising, and men to rule the world, which is the rightful order of the world, apparently for many.
What can we women do on a personal level to combat some of that pain, that knee-jerk reaction to lay low, to not make waves?
I find a great blog on a site called Refinery29. I have no idea why it’s called that, but the blog is called “I Tried 30 Different things to Boost My Confidence, & Here’s What Worked.” The author polled her women friends colleagues to ask them for their best tips for things that had helped them boost their confidence.
It’s a wild list, with everything from naked yoga to daily affirmations to stand up comedy and skydiving. You can try things on this list, or for funsies, you can even poll your own friends & colleagues & come up with your own list to try.
The key is to keep trying different things until you find things that work for YOU. And interesteingly – but not surprisingly – the list this blogger came up with – and probably this will be true for any list you come up with yourself – really boils down to 2 things: (1) continue to do things that are out of your comfort zone, and (2) do things to better identify & control negative thought patterns.
Doing things out of your comfort zone builds confidence. With every activity you do, you gain the confidence that you CAN do it – you DID do it, and you lived to tell about it. You don’t need to be the next Second City improv star to gain lots of self-confidence taking an improv class.
Second, there is no question that the cycle of negative thoughts often swirl around in our brains without our even thinking it. And thinking then becomes reality. Furthermore, it really is possible to change your thinking by catching yourself with those thoughts, and substituting them for something more positive.
I tried a bunch of the things on this list. The blogger found – as did I – that daily affirmations help. For me, I have these ridiculous post-it notes all over my office and around the house, and I change them out as they fall off. That way, I remind myself throughout the day to think more positive thoughts about life and myself.
Another one that worked for me that was not on the Refinery 29 list, but came from another friend: simply smile more often. A customer service rep is driving you crazy? Smile. Find the humor in it. You read something in the news that upsets you? Turn it off and find a funny cartoon and smile.
Try it – this might work for you, too!