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Today’s blog comes courtesy of Rene Brown, author of Daring Greatly, which is a book that I absolutely loved.

She is somebody I really respect and admire. She says what she thinks and she doesn’t pull any punches.

Her tip for this week is get better at asking for help.

Here’s the quote that I lifted from Daring Greatly:

“Somehow we’ve come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand. But we’re very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It’s as if we’ve divided the world into those who offer help, and those who need help. And the truth is that we are both.”

I picked this quote because I came from a farming community where you, you were wired up to get things done yourself, figure it out. There was a lot of pride in being self-sufficient — maybe a holdover from the pioneer days.

But in today’s world, I think the successful entrepreneur is someone who reaches out and finds that support network isn’t afraid to say I don’t know how to do this or I’m not sure how and reaches out.

, I want to return to a theme we’ve talked about on this show a couple of times in the past – and that is the disparity in self-confidence, or self-promotion,  or whatever you want to call it – between men & women entrepreneurs. 

I was thinking about this as I once again got ghosted by a female entrepreneur.  For the record, I have only anecdotal information.  But in the now 3 + years that I’ve been doing this show, I’ve never been ghosted in a conversation about appearing on the show or been ghosted in any way by ANY male entrepreneurs.  Not once. 

But I have been several times by women entrepreneurs.  And I’ve had lots of conversations with potential women guests where it’s clear they are very reluctant to agree to be a guest on the show.  We have an introductory chat, but we never manage to get the interview on the calendar.  Either they don’t get back to me, or they schedule but cancel at the last minute.  Or they say they’re just too busy.  Too busy that you can’t talk to the media for a few minutes?  Too busy for free publicity or the chance – for free – to showcase your business & your story??

So what’s going on here?  Clearly, women either lack confidence, or somehow fear or are apprehensive about the spotlight. 

A recent study by Women of Influence out of Canada suggests that at least part of the problem is the underlying fear of negative consequences. 

The study documented that this really IS a thing.  They even have given it a name:  The Tall Poppy Syndrome.  The term is Australian, and referred to anyone who stood out too much – the idea being that you need a nice, uniform field of poppies, and any poppy that gets too tall needs to be cut down.  It’s since been used by women advocates to refer to women who get cut down. 

In their Tall Poppy Syndrome study, more than 87 % of high-performing women felt that their successes had been undermined in the workplace.  NOTE:   this study ONLY looked at undermining in the workplace – it did NOT look at all the other places that women feel undermined for their success – by their spouse, their family members, their neighbors, people at their church, their friends, etc.  And as someone who has personally experience this, I personally believe THIS undercutting is even more painful and memorable.

Taken all together, it’s like putting your fingers on a hot stove.  You do it a few times, you feel intense shame and pain, and you stop trying to stand out.  I have found myself on a number of occasions downplaying a success because I was trying not to be a Tall Poppy. 

Interestingly – and again, this certainly jives with my own experiences – men and women were found in the study to be equally guilty of the undercutting. 

The most common reasons high-performing women were cut down?  (1) jealousy (2) sexual/gender stereotypes and (3) feelings of insecurity & inadequacy on the part of the person doing the cutting down.  As you can see, most of the cutting down is more about the person DOING the cutting than about the high-achiever, but that doesn’t make the cutting down any less painful. 

This is really a tough one to overcome.  How do you fix someone else’s jealousy or feelings of inadequacy?  I guess one thing that can be done is for managers to receive more awareness training of ways they unwittingly (or even wittingly) permit or tolerate, in the hopes of slowly changing our culture. 

The gender/sexual stereotypes are slowly changing over time, but this, too, is difficult.  As the recent national debate in the U.S. about abortion rages, it’s clear that there is still a very large segment of the population who believe women should have less rights, do not have the right to control their bodies,

People can go on & on about right to life, etc., but it’s pretty hard not to take that discussion towards its ultimate end — that somehow women are less – at least in the business world.  The implication is that women are intended to bear & raise children – hopefully the next generation of women to do more child-raising, and men to rule the world, which is the rightful order of the world, apparently for many.

What can we women do on a personal level to combat some of that pain, that knee-jerk reaction to lay low, to not make waves? 

I find a great blog on a site called Refinery29.  I have no idea why it’s called that, but the blog is called  “I Tried 30 Different things to Boost My Confidence, & Here’s What Worked.”  The author polled her women friends colleagues to ask them for their best tips for things that had helped them boost their confidence. 

It’s a wild list, with everything from naked yoga to daily affirmations to stand up comedy and skydiving.  You can try things on this list, or for funsies, you can even poll your own friends & colleagues & come up with your own list to try. 

The key is to keep trying different things until you find things that work for YOU.  And interesteingly – but not surprisingly – the list this blogger came up with – and probably this will be true for any list you come up with yourself – really boils down to 2 things:  (1) continue to do things that are out of your comfort zone, and (2) do things to better identify & control negative thought patterns. 

Doing things out of your comfort zone builds confidence.  With every activity you do, you gain the confidence that you CAN do it – you DID do it, and you lived to tell about it.  You don’t need to be the next Second City improv star to gain lots of self-confidence taking an improv class. 

Second, there is no question that the cycle of negative thoughts often swirl around in our brains without our even thinking it.  And thinking then becomes reality.  Furthermore, it really is possible to change your thinking by catching yourself with those thoughts, and substituting them for something more positive. 

I tried a bunch of the things on this list.  The blogger found – as did I – that daily affirmations help.  For me, I have these ridiculous post-it notes all over my office and around the house, and I change them out as they fall off.  That way, I remind myself throughout the day to think more positive thoughts about life and myself. 

Another one that worked for me that was not on the Refinery 29 list, but came from another friend: simply smile more often.  A customer service rep is driving you crazy?  Smile.  Find the humor in it.  You read something in the news that upsets you?  Turn it off and find a funny cartoon and smile. 

Try it – this might work for you, too!

I’ve seen there is often a disconnect between what you as entrepreneur want from the business and the risks you are willing to take. 

And this isn’t just a theoretical disconnect.  I’d argue you can’t develop meaningful goals for your business without reconciling this conflict.

Let’s deconstruct that, and then talk about a couple of examples. 

First, it is CRITICAL that you are clear about what you want from the business.  Income, yes – but how much?  Is it more important for you to make a comfortable wage, or are hoping to make a LOT of money growing or selling your business? 

How important for you is to to change people’s lives?  Or give back to your community? Or simple make something cool? Is it because you like building things?  Fixing a problem?  Making customers smile?

WHY do you want to create a business?  Or WHY EXACTLY did you create the one you have?   Some people tell me, “Oh, I don’t know.  I just knew I didn’t want to work for “the man” (or “the woman” – but that is not enough clarity to move forward with a successful business.   I always admire those people who seem very clear on their “why.”  Some people, I suspect – maybe because I’m a little jealous! – clearly state why they started and are running the business they are, and I’m not always sure if it’s the truth or just that they’ve perfected a good story line.  In any case, there are clearly some of you out there who really ARE CLEAR about why you started and are trying to grow your business every day.  You ARE indeed lucky!

Many of us truly aren’t very clear about WHY we started the business we did, or why we work so hard at it. 

If you’re struggling with your “why,” I have recommended in the past and wholeheartedly recommend again Simon Sinek’s “Start with why,” and his followup book, “find your why.” 

There are lots of other exercises out there on the internet, some of the best of which are linked here on my website  But I think Sinek’s books are the best – it is difficult to see ourselves clearly sometimes, and what I like about his books is that they take you through some of the mental – and emotional — preparation that’s needed to see ourselves and our motivations more clearly. 

OK, so that’s what we are entrepreneurs WANT from our business.  Now let’s talk about the other side:  what risks are you willing to take? 

The risks you take can take lots of forms.  Most people probably focus on the financial aspects.  And that’s a pretty important one.  Are you willing to mortgage your home or take on a second mortgage?  Are you willing to spend down all your savings?  Do you have enough cash saved up to last you for several months or even a couple of years? Are you willing to tap into your IRA?  Are you willing to take out a loan or borrow from friends or family? 

But it’s not just money.  Are you willing to move out of your comfort zone – sometimes frequently?  Receive criticism? Have friends and family think you’re crazy?  Spend long, long hours away from your family? Take risks when you have no idea whether you’re making the right decision? 

Whatever the risks in your situation, make sure you’ve VERY explicitly discussed these with your family, as well as your business partners.  As we talked about last week, all too often, the costs are greater than we anticipate, and that can leave you feeling stressed, overworked, and sometimes not even enjoying the process, but feeling trapped because you’ve come so far to throw it all away. 

I’ve seen quite a number of would-be entrepreneurs who can’t move forward, because they can’t reconcile this disconnect between what they want in a business and the risks they are willing to take.  A woman who wanted the security of a franchise restaurant model, but dreamed of creating new, interesting dishes with her daughter.  Another women who wanted to open a high-end daycare, but unwilling to mortgage her home to finance the facility investment she would need to make.  A physician with a novel medical device who insisted on being the CEO, but just couldn’t accept taking less than his current salary as a doctor with a successful practice.  Another man with his grandmother’s cupcake recipe, but who couldn’t make any decisions about how to create a business around this. 

As we talked about last week, the answers to these questions will drive a lot of your daily decisions – how you spend your time, who you hire and what you delegate to them, and how you invest in the business, and even were you look for funding and how much you are seeking. 

And as I said earlier, it is not possible to make meaningful goals without being clear about your tradeoff between what you want from your business and what you are willing to risk. 

You may find the risks are greater than anticipated, and so your goals may change once you realize that – and that’s OK.  It’s a normal part of the journey.

But your path will be much clearer if you’ve got a good handle on what you what from your business, and the risks you’re willing to take from the very start.